Pinky Promises

Portugal really treats you as an adult by trusting you with rather large things. Road work with a big open trench? This tiny barrier is all we are putting up so don’t fall in. A sign reading “Max 3 Pessoas” We won’t give you explanation what will happen, but don’t say we didn’t warn you! Prescription management? You are on your own with that, our pharmacies don’t keep your medicines on file, so be sure to manage your own contraindications, obrigado.

These are pretty serious things they entrust us with but they draw the line at the plastic bottle’s cap. They don’t trust you to discard of that properly, so they will affix it to the bottle and clearly gravity & physics were overlooked. Essentially, the position the cap falls prevents you from drinking from the bottle in anything but an awkward way. Soon, you realize you have developed an adaptation whereas your pinky finger stretches around to keep the cap in place. Net result? Now the pinky finger has more responsibilities in addition to: tea finger, hang loose & I love you gesture, earwax removal, and pinky promises. 

Fun Facts

I am always learning things that make me like the the Portuguese people even more:

• In Portugal you are a organ donor by default. If you want to opt out, you have to register with the National Register of Non-Donors (RENNDA).
• Portugal follows forced heirship rules, meaning a certain percentage of your estate goes to your legitimate heirs. Portugal has a strong family culture and they instill importance in the strong family unit here. This inheritance law, is an example of that.

Then there are the things that still have me confused: they actually want the cobblestones. When they dig up the street, they save the cobblestones and put them back in! See exhibit A.

Trouble In Paradise

Despite what I put on my social media and blog, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. We have our ups and downs. Lately, I’ve been teetering in and out of what I would call a state of mourning. I will see something in a store and that reminds me of home — the sideboard in the informal dining room, the cat vase on the shelf, my mom’s cake plate, and things that have no direct relationship like these pictures:

Images of used scoring sheets from card games we played during the lockdown flash into my brain. I push pause on this emotional slideshow for it is not these scraps of paper I want but rather what those scraps of paper represented to me: a time when I felt closeness.

I am reminded of closeness all the time because the family connection is so beautiful and so strong here in Portugal. One image I see a lot is the shoe store owner sitting outside his shop with his 4-year-old grandson on his lap. And simultaneously it fills up and brings a longing to my heart. It makes me think about the strength and fragility of my own relationships. The distance is palpable, and maybe it isn’t actually about where I reside in the world.

People ask me why I have come to Portugal in this time of of my life. There are convenient things to point to like the current administration, wanderlust, and giving my adult children room to build their lives. Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder if I am in retirement or in exile. Maybe I am realizing that on some scale, I am running away from me. Whatever the psychology behind it, I am certain that I am here for a reason. I am meeting people that are bringing me lessons to learn.

Deep thoughts for a blog. Like I said, it is not always rainbows and unicorns.

Personal Boundaries

I have porous personal boundaries which means that I have difficulty saying no, I get overly involved with solving other people’s problems, I am accepting of abuse, and fear rejection if I don’t do what other people want to do. Creating healthy boundaries is a work in progress.

Give me the backstory. I attend a few expat meet-ups per month – things like meeting for coffee on a Friday. While I was originally against it, I have found it brings stability as we acclimate to the change in lifestyle and culture. Generally people fall into 3 groups: people who moved here, people that stay here for 3 months then leave, and people that are scouting.

So what happened? I met a woman who was here for a month on a scouting trip and I chatted with her a few times. She arrived with the immediate bad luck of leaving her phone outside the EU. Her luck got even worse last week when she also lost her passport and wallet. I was beside myself because here she was in a foreign country without a phone, without any form of identification, and without any money. That sounded like someone who needed help. I was disheartened because it seemed like I was the only helping her.

So you don’t want to help people? What I eventually discovered is that everyone else had asserted their boundaries. I learned later that the consensus was this person was a con-artist and that I was her next victim. I learned this after I gave her all the cash I had on hand (and was prepared to go get out more cash for her), I had almost offered for her to stay with us, and we both offered to drive her to the U.S. Embassy in Lisbon to get an emergency passport (we don’t have a car, so we would be doing this at our own added expense).

Was she a con-artist or not? It doesn’t matter. My lesson is one of boundaries. I can help people but I also need to work on establishing healthy boundaries at the same time.

Slowing My Roll

Another lesson was brought to me on a day that I felt so happy. I had made friends and they invited me to go to a nearby town for a girls craft day. I was getting a ride with them, and in my haste I decided to cross the center median. My shoe got caught in the brambles, and I did a rather complete fall into the street. My utter embarrassment was huge, and I didn’t accept any help out of my situation (which included retrieving my shoe from the middle of the road).

That sounds more of a balance problem than a lesson. When I told one of my other friends what happened, she asked me the strangest question: what do you think your body was telling you? And then it came to me — I was rushing and distracted, I need to slow my roll.

Listening More

I know my story. I am more interested in hearing other people’s stories now. Let’s say that I run into a person on the way home from an errand, I have a choice — wave and keep going, or pause and have a chat. What I am choosing more often than not is to pause and have a chat.

Sometimes you bump into people unplanned like under a bridge, at a soup festival, or at a park. One thing I’m learning — take the time, ask them questions, hear their stories.

There are many more lessons that have come my way, and more on the horizon I’m sure.

Affirmations

As we all navigate through challenging moments, affirmations such as this one might give you the emotional hug you need right now (image borrowed from @twillostory).